My own world has really turned around in the last month. One month ago I was sitting in my apartment in Arlington, Virginia, finding joy in trying new recipes, getting my own health insurance because I was unemployed, and training by myself in a parking garage. Fast forward, and since then, I have traveled to the states of Washington, Montana, and I now find myself sitting in a hotel in Utah, with new friends, who also happen to be my new teammates, on my first game day as a professional athlete. I also canceled that health insurance, because I now have a whole job that just so happens to be playing the sport I love. On June 20, 2020, I signed my first professional contract with the OL Reign, a founding member of the NWSL league in the United States. All of these players and teams that I’ve spent watching and admiring from afar are now my own teammates and competitors. I mean...what? Talk about dreams.
Eight months ago, I played in my last game as a Division 1 collegiate soccer player, and after that game I experienced more feelings of doubt than I ever had before. That’s not to say that I didn’t face adversity or have moments of mental fatigue, but for the first time in a long, long time I had no idea of what I was going to do next in my life. I always tell people that when you’re an athlete, you thrive on having things planned out and prepared. You know what tomorrow and the next day after have in store. And there's a certain level of comfort that you develop when everything is planned out well in advance. I knew where I was going to college when I was 16 years old, and I knew what the next four years would look like. And all of a sudden, now that college was over, all I could think was: what now?
I knew I wanted to play at the next level, but I couldn’t visualize what that would look and feel like for me. I didn’t have that comfort and security of knowing that I was going to be drafted by an NWSL team, and I really didn’t have any concrete opportunities to immediately present themselves abroad in Europe. But I also didn’t think that giving up was an option. The only thing I’ve ever given up on in my life was when I dropped out of Accounting before the first test during my sophomore year at Wake. So...I guess I was just going to try to do the damn thing.
Another thing I realized that was going to be a huge transition was learning how to look after me before anyone else. In college you rely on the camaraderie of a team and cultivating a family with all of that ra-ra stuff. But if I wanted to be a pro, I knew I was going to have to look out for my own, first, which is uncomfortable for me. I am constantly thinking about others and how they are feeling, and I think that is a way for me to ignore how situations make me feel in certain moments. But in the past six months, while traveling to Europe and spending a ton of time alone with my thoughts in quarantine, I couldn’t escape sifting through how things were making me feel.
And throughout the past year I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that playing this sport of soccer is something bigger than just a hobby. I have learned that being single can suck at times. I have learned that there are still so many new friends and people to meet. I have learned that there are people who believe in me more than I had originally thought. I have learned that I believe in myself more than I thought. This sport is a guiding passion that has opened up so many opportunities to continue challenging myself and testing my own limits. Being in quarantine ignited a self-discipline and motivation that I honestly didn’t know I was capable of having.
The last time I did not start in a soccer game was in the Fall of 2016 during a preseason match against JMU. The last time that I did not play in a soccer game that I was a part of had to have been a game I had missed in high school or something. But on Tuesday, I didn't start in my first professional match, nor did I get into the game. I say this not to feel bad or take a negative away from my experiences, but to create a point of comparison as I navigated my first day as a full-pro. Since college and now I have experienced a ton of ups and downs that somehow have led me to the next level. And on Tuesday, even though I did not step out on that field, all I could feel was eternal gratitude and excitement for the work that has led me to this moment.
Tuesday was the first game day that I was a part of as a professional athlete. We played against Sky Blue FC in the NWSL Challenge Cup. This tournament also finds itself in the middle of a resurgent movement for the Black community as many groups have come together to protest the police brutality against Black people and how systemic racism has created a marginalization of people of color that has become so standardized in this country. As a team, we have engaged in a multitude of discussions, from book clubs and article readings, engaging in extremely uncomfortable conversations, and even participating in our own privilege walk.
As a rookie, I think there’s an opportunity for doubt to try to creep in. Will people think I'm good enough? Will they like me? What is my role? There are moments when you can remember all of those games you played in and miss those moments. But for me, a lot of that doubt melted away as I knelt with my teammates and coaches during the National Anthem before the game. Instead of doubt and fear, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and excitement to be a part of an organization that makes being a rookie still feel like my life is bigger than what I do on the field. This is the most diverse team that I have been a part of, with women of different races, experiences, sexualities and nationalities, that have all come together for the love of this game that has taken each individual on a different journey. And what's even more incredible is the friendships that I have found that have made this ride that much more fun. Eight months ago I think I thought that this journey as a professional athlete was going to made solo, but I know now that if I do it alone, I won't get very far.
Photo: @nilsclauson
Once our team kicked off -- under a burning Utah sun -- I felt some of the truest joy that I’ve felt in a long time. Throughout my college career, I think I gave everything that I was capable of giving to our program and to my teammates. Now I know that what I gave was just a fraction of what I have left to give to this game. I have new limits to push, and new challenges that have yet to present themselves. As I sat on the sidelines with new teammates, new threads, and a new family, I felt pumped to watch, while sitting next to some of the best players in the world, but also so grateful to be back in an environment where I can continue to challenge myself to become a better me.
A lot of people have asked what it feels like to be a professional athlete, and honestly, it still feels surreal. I have a feeling that it will remain like that until I get back onto the field...but probably not. I get to wake up and be surrounded by people who are better, stronger and wiser than me, and get to learn how to be the best. I get to play the sport that has made me who I am, every day. My mom told me over the phone that there are so few people who get to truly get to chase their dreams, and I know that I am fortunate enough to have that opportunity. And I hope that in this first year as a rookie, I get to make some people laugh while also learning how to be a better teammate, player, and friend. The excitement and humility that I feel really swelled inside of me on Tuesday, and I hope that as my career continues, I will have more and more new firsts that crush the doubt and remind me that this new chapter in my life is exactly what is meant to be. Xoxo
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