I am overwhelmed. And unfortunately it has left me feeling very uninspired this week.
This past year of a week has finally come to a close, and I can’t help but feel paralyzed.
For the last two weeks I have been in Missoula, Montana trying to make a 30ish woman roster for the NWSL season. And dare I say it, I have been having fun. I have made new friends and I really love them! And I have been trying new chai lattes, and all things Huckleberry, and taking long drives through the mountains.
But how can that be? How can I be having fun when there are Black Lives Matter protests happening to end police brutality? Or when Robert Fuller has been lynched? Or when Rayshard Brooks has been killed? Or when the President and his administration are trying to reverse protective healthcare laws for LGBTQ+ people? Or when the Karens and Brads are out having a few brewskis because suddenly THERE ISN’T A PANDEMIC ANYMORE?
My new least favorite phrase is: “return to normal”. Because...literally nothing is going to be normal. And if it is...that means that we have failed.
But it seems like there is no more room for fun, and to be honest, I’m torn. There’s a part of me that wants and needs conversations about social justice, activism and politics to be normalized so that people aren’t overwhelmed by black squares on social media or by hashtags. And so things can finally [truly] change in this country. But there’s another part of me that wants to talk about things other than the traumatizing realities that plague this country. (And then I check my privilege at the door).
This whole idea of ‘normal’ is rooted in a privileged lifestyle where tough conversations don’t have to happen because they don’t affect you anymore. People are mad that we are still talking about BLM and we are still talking about the fact that Breonna Taylor’s murderers haven’t been arrested. And other people are made that we're still talking about wearing masks and we're still wearing masks. So you’re saying you want things to return to ‘normal,’ so you can feel okay with posting your selfie and talking about your summer vacation?
Instead of getting upset that your feed is messed up, maybe our “normal” needs some recalibration.
I am overwhelmed. And here is why:
Social media. I am torn between wanting to remain informed but also wanting to throw the whole thing away.
Robert Fuller’s death. Oh you didn't hear about this one?
I’ve been thinking a lot about what love looks like for different people
20-ish million Americans don’t have jobs
I also don’t have a job.
President’s administration attacking trans peoples' healthcare...during Pride month...not that the month should change anything, but seriously?
Why can’t I find my own Laurie Laurence? And if you don’t know who that is, watch Little Women and cry
There’s a pandemic that has completely normalized death because people feel they “have to continue living their lives”. Over 115,000 people have died, and people are just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Performative activism really drives me insane. Starbucks, I'm talking to you.
Putting up a rainbow on your company’s logo doesn’t mean you support Pride
What is dating going to look like in the next year? And where can I find one?
Did I mention that I don't have a job?
Focusing on the task at hand -- earning a professional football contract
A presidential election is happening this year. A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS HAPPENING THIS YEAR.
And I’m also really f*cking overwhelmed by the price of almond butter. I mean, really.
As you can see, there's a lot happening.
So, like any Disney princess montage moment, what did I do? I ran away from all problems into the forest, broke out into song, and let down my hair into a perfect braid.
Okay, not really. But I did escape for a hot sec. And it went something like this:
Since being here in Missoula, it's not like there's a lot happening. All activities include some good ol' time with nature. And it sounds cheesy, but I needed a moment to just take in beauty that truly makes me happy. There are times when I don't really give myself the chance to feel things. Social media has desensitized me to a lot of traumatic events that happen in our country and around the world. Stressors like finding a job and trying out for a professional team keep me locked in mentally for a short period of time until I get stressed again. The idea of love and finding it has me all in a tizzy these days.
But today, I picked an above-average playlist and hit the road with some friends to Flathead Lake in Northern Montana.
I thought yeet-haw Montana was going to be pretty flat and boring, and every idea that I had about this state's physical landscape has been completely shattered these past couple of weeks (except for the cows, they have a lot of those). But other than that, there aren't a lot of places that are more spectacular.
Rolling hills stretch high into the landscape and they are met with huge trees that line the cliffs along the mountains. As we drove North on Interstate 93 we passed through the Flathead Reservation which, thanks to my mom, I now know is home to three different tribes: The Salish, the Salish, Kootenai, and Pend d'Oreilles tribes.
As we hit twists and turns, each natural landmark, like the rivers, lakes, flats, etc. were marked with a sign on the side of the road. However, above the English words was the Native translation. In my own Native language, Keres, we don't have an official alphabet or uniformed way of spelling things because everything is spoken. If words are spelled, they are done so phonetically. It was really incredible to see how different tribes up in different areas of the country have such a different language and ways of spelling. (I've included an example sign from Google)
As I was driving we reached a point where the road wrapped around the base of a tall hill. Once we reached around the bend -- going 80mph uphill -- the landscape opened up to reveal all of these vast, snow-capped mountains rising up above acres of rolling hills covered in tall grass and perky wildflowers. I wish I had that moment on film, because I don't know how else to describe it. It felt like all of a sudden the mountains sprouted up out of the earth towards the sky.
And on we went, miles and miles...and some more miles north. Finally we came to Flathead Lake, which is one of the biggest lakes I have seen (besides Lake Michigan, which really shouldn't even count as a lake, that thing is an ocean). We pulled off into a small cove, which had a small beach covered in soft pebbles. The water was crystal clear and if it wasn't 55º, I probably would have jumped in.
After a quick reset, we ended up in this small town called Bigfork, which had about two stoplights, a one-car bridge, and one open restaurant. But after I picked up some new loose-leaf tea and a sandwich...and maybe a cookie, we peeled back out to the lake for a little lunch.
I'm sure you probably don't care about the specifics of the trip. To be honest, this started feeling like one of those blogs that a 45 year old mom writes about her family's trip and spiritual journey when really you just want the recipe for the lemon poppyseed cake that's at the bottom of the page. BUT, I'm providing all of these details because today felt like a normal day. It felt like I was tucked away in a place where the problems that are leaving me feeling overwhelmed really don't matter when it's just you, and some water, and a view.
Today was a fun day. And I don't feel guilty or performative for having a good day when everything else seems so bad right now. Everyone should be able to take a pause and recalibrate their ideas of normal, however you think that may be effective for you. For me, taking a drive with a good playlist gave me a chance to feel a sense of wonder and love for the present, but also to think about how my own idea of normal is not going to be the same moving forward. It can't be. We all have to experience change to move forward, whether it's pandemic related as we prepare for the second-wave of COVID, or activism related as you consider your part in this movement.
But, taking the time I need to make myself happy and do something fun by not doing anything but enjoying the present is, for me, just as important. Xoxo.
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